Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are four communication patterns that Dr. John Gottman has identified as predictors of divorce. These communication patterns can damage a relationship even if they are used infrequently. They are:

• Criticism: Attacking your partner's personality or character.

• Defensiveness: Blaming your partner or making excuses for your own behavior.

• Contempt: Expressing disgust or disrespect for your partner.

• Stonewalling: Withdrawing from conflict or refusing to communicate.

Examples of each of the Four Horsemen:

• Criticism: "You're always so late." "You're so lazy." "You're such a bad cook."

• Defensiveness: "It's not my fault! You're always criticizing me." "You're the one who's always late." "I'm not lazy, I'm just busy."

• Contempt: "You're so stupid." "You're a jerk." "I can't believe I married you."

• Stonewalling: Refusing to talk to your partner, walking away from a conversation, or giving one-word answers.

The Four Horsemen are dangerous because they can create a cycle of negativity in a relationship. When one partner criticizes the other, the other partner is likely to become defensive. This can lead to contempt and stonewalling, which can make it difficult for couples to resolve their conflicts.

If you find yourself using the Four Horsemen in your relationship, there are a few things you can do to break the cycle. Below are antidotes to the Four Horsemen:

• Antidote to criticism: Gentle Start-Up. Talk about feelings using “I” statements and express a positive need.

• Antidote to contempt: Appreciation. Build a culture of appreciation and remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities. Find gratitude for positive actions.

• Antidote to defensiveness: Take responsibility. Accept your partner’s perception and offer an apology for any wrongdoing.

• Antidote to stonewalling: Physiological self-soothing. Take a break and spend time doing something physiologically soothing or distracting.

Click here to learn more about Gottman and the Four Horsemen on the Gottman Institute website.