How to Stop Self-Sabotaging
Are you getting in your own way despite your best efforts? You could be self-sabotaging.
We self-sabotage for various reasons, including:
Perceived threats
When our “avoid threat” is turned up we self-sabotage because we are avoiding the things that we should probably take a little risk with, but don’t because of numerous fears we have accumulated.
Areas of low self-esteem
We might self-sabotage more in an area where we have low self-esteem. You may experience negative self-talk or think that you don’t deserve it.
Excessive need for control
When we self-sabotage due to an excessive need for control, we won’t be able to move forward or let things happen on their own. We can’t let go enough to be vulnerable, and ultimately self-sabotage those pursuits.
Personalization
This occurs when we compare ourselves to others all the time but always feel like we’re coming up short. We do this by comparing ourselves to someone doing well and continuing to find ways that we’re different, instead of ways that maybe we’re the same.
“Shoulds”
“Shoulds” contribute to a negative mind space where you don’t move forward in goals. For example, “I should have done more today, I should already be here in life, etc.
Ways to help with self-sabotage:
First ask yourself, “What was I just thinking before this negative feeling or action?”
Question the thought and don’t assume it’s true. Ask yourself, “What’s the evidence that this thought is true?”
Modify or create another thought
Say “Yes but…” to create a new thought. This new thought will acknowledge that something isn’t going so well, but then acknowledges something that is either in progress or is going well.
This involves recognizing the pros and cons of every situation
For example: “Yes, that date didn’t work out, but also I feel like I’m getting closer, the last couple dates were better.”
Change your relationship to your thought
Some days we have such a bad day that the negative thought continues to come back even when we’ve done the other two techniques, so it’s important to change how we feel about the thought in the first place.
When having a negative thought add, “I’m having the thought that…” in front of it.
This will create space between you and the thought by labeling it as just a thought and nothing more. It doesn’t have to be your reality, you’re just having the thought.
Interested in learning more about self-sabotage? Check out Forensic Neuropsychologist Dr. Judy Ho's website for more info and to learn about her new book on the subject.